A Definitive Ranking Of Everything Pumpkin

It's pumpkin time.

pumpkin spice bestIt’s that time of year again. The days get shorter, the leaves start to fall, and the temperature plummets. As most of nature prepares for a deep hibernation, there’s one type of creature that comes to life: Basic Bitches, a surprisingly common breed.

Basic bitches can usually be spotted wandering around any college campus that is within a one-mile radius of a Starbucks. What allows them to thrive in the fall? Pumpkin. It is the primary food source of these organisms and it is everywhere during this season.

Every Trader Joes’s, aka Basic Bitch heaven, has taken advantage of every possible opportunity to exploit the survival needs of these Basic Bitches. If you can eat it, drink it, or smell it, then you better believe it comes in pumpkin flavor. If Otto has ever approached you on the quad, you understand how overwhelming the presence of round orange things can be. To help you out during these difficult times, we’ve developed this highly sophisticated guide, so that you can do pumpkin season the right way.

Here are the top 15 seasonally flavored snacks that every Basic Bitch “literally can’t even” live without:

  1. Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte: Basic level – 10
  2. Yogurtland Pumpkin Spice Froyo: Basic level – 8
  3. Shocktop Pumpkin Wheat – 7
  4. Pumpkin Spice Oreos – 9
  5. Dunkin Donuts Pumpkin Muffin – 6
  6. Chobani Pumpkin Yogurt – 7.5
  7. Wild Friends Pumpkin Spice Peanut Butter – 4
  8. Toll House Pumpkin Spice Cookie Dough – 6
  9. Pastabilities Butternut Pumpkin Ravioli – 9.5
  10. Pumpkin Spice Almonds – 4.5
  11. Coffe-Mate Pumpkin Spice Creamer – 6
  12. Trader Joe’s Pumpkin Waffles – 7
  13. Bruegger’s Pumpkin Bagel – 9
  14. Philadelphia Pumpkin Spice Cream Cheese – 6.5
  15. Garden Of Eatin Pumpkin Corn Tortillas – 3

If you are guilty for any of the “Basic Bitch tendencies” listed above, have no fear. There is still time before fall officially rolls around, so make sure to get your pumpkin kick out of the way now before you embark on this never ending road to Basic Bitch hell.

Kelly O'Sullivan
About Kelly O'Sullivan (13 Articles)
Kelly O’Sullivan is a Jersey native and terrible dancer who will happily pump her gas and not her fist. She is an aspiring writer studying Magazine journalism at Syracuse University. When she isn’t using the Real Talk column as a diary about college life, Kelly can be found FaceTiming with her dog.

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