Just put it down.

The United States Senate, esteemed deliberative body, world’s most exclusive club, and nicest nursing home in America, is no longer necessary. While it was certainly kind of them to deliberate on our behalf — some of us more than others — for more than 200 years, their time of utility has come [...]

Gabourney Sidibe should be the future

For a second, the democratization of fashion via the Internet — and the questionable tastes it unleashed on the world — warranted a bitch slap, and the fading Prada-wearing devils of the industry deserved a defense. And then some anonymous quotes from Vogue hit the wires, calling Gabourey Sidibe, the [...]

Old guys have sex. Get over it.

I wish I’d been around for the good ol’ days when “surrendering the tapes” meant recordings of conversations in the Oval Office implicating a crooked president undermining his opposition. But I get to tell my future grandchildren that I grew up when the media rammed sex tapes down [...]

The recession is a great time to follow your dreams, but you should follow your instincts

You’ve heard it all before.
“And what’s your major?”
“I’m a journalism major. Magazine journalism, actually.”
Snicker, snicker, throat clearing.
“Oh, um, wow. That’s, uh, great. This is a pretty rough time for newspapers and stuff. Good luck with that.”
I don’t care if you’re [...]

Find me someone to love, not tolerate

A 40-year-old single mom who never married, Lori Gottleib, chose to use a sperm donor to get pregnant because she thought it would help attract a man. Her article in The Atlantic advised women “not to worry about passion or intense connection,” but instead to settle for whatever [...]

That’s the breeze of freedom, ladies.

So here’s my Victoria’s secret: I don’t wear anything between my crotch and my jeans. That’s right. No underwear — no thongs, no boy shorts, no granny panties, nada.
I often receive questions from the less enlightened elastic-bound set: “Don’t you get urinary tract infections?” or “Don’t you have [...]

…Blow up the Earth

If you’ve seen the movie The Core, you know it sucked. Its Hollywood skid mark of a plot — where scientists decide to save the stalled planet by drilling into the Earth’s core and setting off an Earth-spinning nuclear blast — bears a terrifying similarity to a recent scientific proposal.
In an [...]

That means on your knees, bitch.

Perhaps you saw Betty White in that Super Bowl commercial for Snickers, or watched her accept the Screen Actors Guild Life Achievement Award, or recognized her in The Proposal when she steals the movie with a three-second boob search on Sandra Bullock.
I don’t give a beetle’s toe where you [...]

A Rebuttal.

Screw the economists, look outside! No, really, look at the nature that surrounds you! Watch the mountains of snow in your driveway sparkle like fairy-dust. Walk outside and expose yourself to the bitter cold and feel alive. Listen to the silence of the shut down factory down the street, and revel in the diminished [...]

Recluse v. Attention Whore

I like to sit in Pages between classes and write poetry. I get a window-facing seat and a half-moon cookie, turn on some Metric or CocoRosie, and write about strippers, dead horses, or girls making love to the cosmos. I overuse words like “coruscate” and “serene.” But when the hour is [...]

Ah, New York, the Empire State. The home of Lindsay Lohan, David Paterson, the Yankees…and the Son of Sam. It’s no wonder that economists Andrew J. Oswald and Stephen Wu found that New Yorkers are the saddest people in America.
Let’s start with geography. If you don’t live in “the city,” then congratulations; by American [...]

I love nerds. And geeks. And all other individuals whose interests transcend applying toxic chemicals to their hair. Nerds pack knowledge. If you manage to coax them out of their states of paralyzing mutism, they’ll dispel little tidbits of knowledge like how Christopher Nolan only used CGI in The Dark Knight for about three effects. Hot.

First they took away candy bars. Then they snatched the soda. Then they recalled recess. And just when you thought schools couldn’t do anything more counterproductive than removing exercise time and excess calories, educators took away the dictionary.

The battle for gay marriage is likely headed for the Supreme Court. Not that you asked (because it would be illegal to tell), but this lowly gay rights soldier is pissed.

…Not the Science Lab

I’m about to embarrass myself and my family (sorry guys). Recently, I ate dinner with my parents and my 18-year-old brother. With the help of some chardonnay, I brought up the new scientific research about the female G-spot. I wondered aloud to my mom why it seems men are always the [...]

(500) Ways to Pretend You’re Special

I have thrice seen (500) Days of Summer, that self-fashioned indie darling of a “new sort of love story”— although the poster claims it’s “not a love story” but “a story about love.” (Take that, Nora Ephron.)
Though I may be demonized by hordes of earnest, vintage dress-wearing Smiths-lovers for [...]

The Devolution of Man

Jon and Kate Plus 8’s Jon Gosselin and Mad Men’s Don Draper constitute the proverbial yin and yang of men on television. Older generations of stoic womanizers like Draper draw more interest from women than today’s wussy grovelers like Gosselin. Men, we are losing our manliness. Welcome to the devolution of [...]

One Singular Rockette Sensation

The Radio City Rockettes help make every Christmas a white Christmas — just not in a way that brings about a warm fuzzy feeling as you sit by your fireplace. The 200 sparkly, short-skirted women run frantic circles around the stage in blissful euphoria. With mile-long legs and pasted-on smiles, they look [...]

I’ll carry my own baggage, thanks.

Man — He’s Just Not that into You can’t even touch this. You know, the typical: girl meets boy, girl likes boy, boy likes girl, girl tells boy she has depression, boy runs like hell. OK, maybe not so typical. Ben Folds would’ve said “the bitch went nuts,” but I [...]

What the Bloody Hell? Screw sustainability; keep your green garbage away from my vagina.

I ordered some coffee at the local vegan cafe the other day and picked up a floral business card on display at the counter. I glanced at it while taking a sip of my steaming free-trade organic espresso and read: “Aunt [...]

It’s time to convert

You may or may not know me as a former op-ed writer of The Daily Orange, hopelessly smitten with those Clinton charms, and vomiting Pinko nonsense like Lenin with a stomach bug. Please, disregard that unfortunate period of my life. My journalistic ego thrives on making strange noises that counter the mumbles [...]

I’d like to see you try.

Among a polluted sea of shitty, unintelligent reality shows stand a few gems that require the participants to possess a strong work ethic, actual skill, and extensive knowledge of more than just raunchy sex positions. I’m talking about smart, realistic reality shows with real people showing off real talent and [...]

Political fashion’s desexualization.

Michelle Obama’s knees are Britney Spears’ vagina. Or at least they unleashed the same media frenzy.
The first lady stepped off Air Force One wearing Bermuda shorts to go hiking with her family, and it was as shocking as a booze-marinated pop star wielding her gaping birth canal to the paparazzi. “She looked fine. [...]

Learn how to make it through this depression because our parents’ basements aren’t going to cut it.

And I hate you for asking.

All the trivial hetero bitches looking for a gay best friend ask me if I suck dick so often that sometimes I think I do. I have no qualms with gay people, nor do I intend to offend anyone, but it is so annoying to be asked on a daily [...]

Advice on fellatio from Jerk. Yeah, we know what to do.

Some people have seriously shitty ideas

I don’t like public bathrooms. I am the kind of person who refuses to eat communal chips, and thinks hand sanitizer was a gift from God. One can only imagine my disgust on last weekend’s camping trip when I was faced with a porta potty. We had just arrived at [...]

Entitled, my ass

They call us the “Entitlement Generation,” a spoiled, generally ’80s-born, vacation-demanding, Facebook-obsessed, dissatisfied group of brats born to whine and usurp “their” jobs. “They,” of course, being the baby boomers, a group so irritatingly large that any term they coin tends to become ubiquitous by default. Their argument in its most basic form [...]

Girls can push their buttons too

I didn’t know female masturbation even existed before my professor asked me what I thought about its bad rap.
Girls can masturbate? That was news to me. I mean, I certainly hadn’t tried it before.
Honestly, I hadn’t discovered it upon straddling a noodle in a public pool at age [...]

Syracuse segregation symptoms

The moment students are accepted to Syracuse, it’s all over. A seemingly endless trail of packets and brochures inundate ’Cuse-bound kids, each pamphlet boasting photos of a chummy, diverse student body. But what incoming freshmen don’t know is that what was, until recently, a top 50 university is also the eighth most segregated [...]

For our first Poor Bitch On Campus, we teach you how to conserve gas…the adventurous way.

Picking Up Your J-14 At Age 20

OMG, Nick and Miley totes make the cutest couple ever!!!
It’s a state of obsession. Seemingly normal college girls now morph into Twi-hards and Jobro fans. They spend their days reading what Taylor Lautner and Rpatz look for in a girl, and they plan their wardrobe to mimic their favorite [...]

You’ve never seen a plant look this shitty

Like Second Life, but with battle axes

I don’t know about you, but on Saturday nights, I fight evil zombie lords and giant blue dragons.
I am addicted to World of Warcraft.
For those of you who spend your weekends grinding on a guy instead of exploring dungeons, World of Warcraft is an online role-playing game produced by [...]

The lowdown on the get down with Sandy Johnson

To those sporting a copy of Thoreau’s Civil Disobedience on the quad

Attention, hipsters. Intelligent peeps want to know: What is wrong with you?
You know who you are. Zach Braff and ironic tees make your loins tingle. Almost Famous is sooo how you want to live your life. If someone even mentions David Sedaris, you [...]

The lowdown on the get down with Sandy Johnson

Old-school fun

Seeking out the Red

He sits four seats to the left and one seat behind me in my 8:25 a.m. MAT 526. His red hair matched mine. I jizzed.
On my way to the bathroom for a clean-up session, a redheaded math TA walked past me. Quite consequentially, rather than cleaning up in the bathroom, I scarfed [...]

I take it in the ass for you, Mr. Economy

Alright, Economy, joke’s over. Oh wait, I get it; this is punishment for being irresponsible, buying shit without realizing we actually have to repay it before the bank seizes our house, and setting up 10 Starbucks shops within the same two blocks in Manhattan. If that’s [...]

The screech and thump of Lady GaGa. The testosterone-heavy air. The animalistic stench. The male grunts. The female chat¬tering. Everything in Archbold Gymnasium screams carnal. It’s a jungle of college mating rituals — even better for a field study than frat row on Thursday night.

It was the first time his rose-colored penis entered a brown vagina. And it was the first time I learned that I was supposed to possess an arsenal of wild sexual skills, all because of my mahogany skin.

Steps to build own egg-carton garden.

Drink up and deck out

The lowdown on the get down with Sandy Johnson

Dear President-elect Obama, I know I should offer you congratulations on your election victory. You essentially had a landslide victory of Reagan ’84 and Johnson ’64 proportions. Though you won’t have a filibuster-proof Democratic Senate majority, at least SNL alum Al Franken might be in the Senate after the recount. That would be good. He can cover the funny while you get down to business. You might have won the election, but John McCain most definitely had the best comedy routine at the Al Smith Dinner. Just saying…

When I picked up a copy of Jerk’s October issue, the article by Renee Orenstein, “When Fashion Falters,” immediately caught my attention. Orenstein questioned the popularity of the keffiyah scarf: a checkered, fashion must-have associated with the Middle East.

At 6 a.m. on a Saturday, I hear a whining noise coming from my bedroom floor. I clamp a pillow over my head. The whining turns to growling. Then I feel a tug on my comforter accompanied by a ripping sound.

Look here. When’s the last time you went to Bird Library and actually got shit done? Never? Well smack my ass and call me Sally. Bird Library is a sham. I mean, nobody in her right mind can get work done there. It’s like a fucking nightclub. You’re all screaming, giving lap dances, and blathering on about sucking dick, fucking pussy, and blowing weed smoke up your cat’s asshole.

A bunch of delicious Vegan recipes including Banana Cranberry Muffins, Carrot Soup with Pumpkin Seeds, Creamy Garlic Mashed Potatoes, and Arugula Salad.

The lowdown on the get down with Sandy Johnson

Adding to your wardrobe doesn’t have to take hours of scouring the racks

Suffrage activists didn’t get arrested for your right to stumble around in underwear and a pair of bunny ears last Friday night. They didn’t stand out in the freezing cold for your right to surgically alter your vagina to make it look more attractive. They were simply fighting for equal rights. But you literally blew it.

Though a full sleeve of fairy tale and storybook tattoos covers my arm, I’m hardly the kind of girl who gets inked to piss off her parents or society. When moms pull their children close at the grocery store, the directions to Neverland on my wrists remind me that I am the sole dictator of my own fairy tale.

I’ve got a bone to pick with vegetarianism. Though it can be a highly admirable lifestyle for ethical and health reasons, I’m disappointed by the fake meat phenomenon sweeping veggie-land.

For a majority of the year, Syracuse is a frigid, depressing tundra. It’s utterly miserable, but like most people, I always simply assumed that natural meteorological forces produce Syracuse’s uniquely unpleasant climate.