How to Rage Successfully

Photo credit: Marco Di Lauro/Getty Images

By Christina Sterbenz

If people could tell you why they blacked out, then they wouldn’t have blacked out. Vomiting, questionable sexual decisions, and an overall feeling of shame generally accompany such nighttime memory lapses, and personally, I’m not a fan of drinking to that extent. Others, however, aim to black out – and they should stop reading now.

As freshmen, many of us took an online course called AlcoholEdu, which tried to teach students about responsible drinking habits so they’d stay more sober more often. But some of the suggestions were downright ridiculous, like tips to avoid drinking games. Really? Beer pong is the sport of generation (next to tweeting). People have way too much fun talking shit and betting their parents’ money to consider giving up ruit. AlcoholEdu also suggested pocketing beer tabs or keeping tallies on your hand with a pen to help keep track of the number of drinks you’ve had. First of all, girls don’t always have pockets: we love our leggings and super-tight mini-skirts. Secondly, can you imagine drawing a line on your hand while grinding up on someone in the middle of a sweaty dance floor? (Unless, of course, you’re keeping score on your 21st birthday.) If you want to rage but not spend the wee hours of the morning face-down beside the toilet, see below.

1. You’ll drink more if you consume smaller amounts at a time. Instead of throwing back four shots or chugging three small mixed drinks, carry around a large Solo cup. Sipping slowly from a large cup throughout the night will affect you less than taking shots or downing a smaller cup in two gulps.

2. Rather than ditching the beer pong table, fill cups with water and sip a beer or mixed drink on the side to keep your buzz going. Bonus points for avoiding herpes.

3. Create a drinking game to help ace your test next week (because obviously you haven’t started studying yet). Make a list of questions and enlist the help of a close friend. Every time you want to take a shot, you have to answer a question correctly first.

4. Put a padlock or combination lock on the freezer containing your booze. If you’re sober enough to find the key or remember the combination, continue drinking. Disclaimer: depending on your level of inebriation, you may destroy the freezer and/or entire kitchen.

5. Be wary of bringing alcohol with you to a party. The meathead working the door at a frat probably won’t let you bring in your tinted Poland Spring bottle – or he might make you chug it. Then again, it could come in handy if the only option is sketchy Jungle Juice.

6. 90% of having a good time is in your attitude. Make a conscious decision to have fun before you even start drinking, and you’ll have a good time regardless of how shwasty you get. Contrary to popular belief, alcohol cannot – and will not – miraculously transform your night into the best one ever (without repercussions), so don’t substitute a positive attitude for six shots.

I hope the population of Blackout City is reduced by a few this weekend. Now, rage.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>


Book Review: Townie by Andre Dubus III | Jerk Magazine / / 2012-02-01 09:49:59

[...] divorce. In response, Dubus spent his early adolescence doing more harm than good—taking drugs, drinking, and narrowly avoiding trouble, including bullies. Fueled by his helplessness as a child, he used [...]

Ratio My Ass | JERK / / 2011-09-25 07:01:14

[...] talking about the whole idea of freshmen guys rounding girls up like cattle in order to get into parties. This is not exactly what I signed up for. As it is, girls are already used by guys for so many [...]

The Week: What You Missed | Jerk Magazine / / 2011-07-15 11:38:23

[...] July 10 | If you are wondering why you decided to rally the other night, the University of Washington released a study explaining why we drink knowing we [...]

Save This Summer, Spend Next Semester | Jerk Magazine / / 2011-07-07 19:02:29

[...] No Excuses: Even if you have the worst hangover since your initiation party, get your ass to work. Need incentive? Well if you’re deathly hungover, you probably spent a shit ton of money at the bar. Your paycheck cannot afford to take a cut, even for one day, and calling in “sick,” just once could get you fired. Your boss could probably find several smarter—and definitely more desperate—college kids to replace you. If you have to work the next day, just drink responsibly. [...]

The Week: What You Missed | Jerk Magazine / / 2011-06-10 20:55:38

[...] you disable the feature, those pictures of you taking a funnel to the face from last night’s party will be all over newsfeeds in the morning. Be [...]

Face Time with Faegan’s Manager Jamar Clarke | Jerk Magazine / / 2011-04-12 06:50:04

[...] delicious. So, do students regularly get kicked out for being too drunk? The majority of the time it’s on a game day. Most of the time, it’s the older people that get [...]

guest / / 2011-03-29 21:47:00

Hahaha I did number 3 last year when I visited for a weekend (I was studying for an AP). Turned out to be a poor idea for me. I got so sick. Be careful with that one!

Jerk Me