By Lauryn Botterman
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but it’s time to get your shit together. A new semester is underway, and it holds the promise of academic advancement, networking opportunities and the chance to finally attend meetings for those meaningless resume fillers extracurricular activities you had conveniently forgotten about. Let this be the semester where you acquire more A’s than STDs, spend more money on books than booze and at least pretend like you can function as a productive member of society.
A bit too much to ask, you say? Take some hints from this fail-proof guide to getting your ass in gear after winter break.*
1. Set alarms—for everything
If you spent the majority of the past month drinking on weeknights, sleeping till noon and nursing your continuous hangover with marathons of “Kim and Kourtney Take New York,” you need to relearn the art of sticking to a schedule. It will take some time to adjust, but you can jumpstart this process by becoming best friends with your handy dandy phone alarm. Surely you’ve set your alarm as a reminder to wake the fuck up or go to class, but it can also be used as a strategic tool in ‘Operation Organize Your Life.’ Set an alarm for breakfast, lunch and dinner; set it for bathroom breaks, friend time, friends-with-benefits time, gym time, homework time, party time, hammer time. Carve your day into as many structured activities as possible. Warn your roommates and friends that these alarms now rule your existence and adhere strictly to this schedule. Also, be sure to select the loudest and most obnoxious sound setting on your phone so as to fool passersby into thinking that you have some very urgent business to attend to. And here’s the catch: No hitting the snooze button. Ever.
2. Stop procrastinating
Time management skills! You need them—ASAP! For realsies, you can avoid a whole lot of stress and anxiety if only you learn to get your shit done on time. Convincing yourself that you “work well under pressure” is no longer a valid excuse. But before you start popping Adderall like it’s candy, consider this drug-free alternative: Mac users can download the Self Control app which will ask you to add selected websites to a “blacklist.” The app will then block your access to these sites for a designated amount of time, allowing you to write your paper or do research online without mindlessly scrolling through Facebook or Twitter every four minutes. Brilliant!
3. Help your friends get their shit together
What could possibly be more fun than relentlessly berating your friends and loved ones about their flaws and insecurities?! Nothing, obviously! Helping your friends sort out their lives might inspire you to reach your own goals. Get a support group together, motivate each other and figure shit out as a team. It may not be easy, but it’s slightly more fun.
*results not guaranteed