By Lauryn Botterman
1. Dressing exactly the same as everyone else
Philosophical question: If you’re a girl but you’re not sporting the black leggings/sorority letters/zip-up hoodie/oversized sunglasses/middle-part look, do you actually go to Syracuse University? And if you’re a guy but not wearing the classic T-shirt/sweatshirt/baggy jeans/Nikes ensemble, you should probably question whether you’re on the right campus, too. There is no better feeling than walking down Marshall Street realizing that you’re practically a clone of everyone else you pass. Conformity! It’s truly thrilling. Better get on board with the standard wardrobe ASAP or risk being shunned by all of Orange Nation.
2. Talking in the library
They don’t call it Club Bird for nothin’. And you thought you were going to the library to find a quiet place to study? Pshh. Who are you? The library is obviously the prime spot for loudly discussing this weekend’s antics with your friends for hours on end. If you were attempting to write a paper or cram for a final, tough shit. We’re trying to socialize here. #sorrynotsorry.
3. Nonstop dubstep
You came to a frat party thinking the DJ would supply a wide variety of musical genres to dance to? Jokes. What could be better than jamming exclusively to dubstep remixes of Top 40 hits for two hours? It’s totally original and fun! You can fade into darkness again and again and again. Never gets old. “Call Me Maybe” on the other hand….
Connecting to the Internet is soooo overrated. AirOrangeX works fine just the way it is: spotty and slow. You got kicked off the network five times in the past hour? Whatevs, no biggie. Just gotta connect again! It’s super easy and convenient, especially when you’re trying to do research online or in the process of writing a long email. Seriously, everyone should calm the eff down about AirOrangeX. Here at Syracuse, we’re too good for reliable Internet access.
Gray skies and precipitation are our thing. They say there are two seasons in Syracuse: winter and almost-winter. We embrace shitty weather. Who needs a giant, shining orb in the sky when you can go tanning at Garbo’s four days a week? The lack of sunshine motivates us to stay in and study—and then go out and drink excessively to get over the fact that we practically live in the frozen tundra. Cold weather builds character. Plus, it’s also endlessly entertaining to watch drunk kids freeze their asses off as they walk down Comstock in search for parties in little-to-no clothing.
3. Actually going to class
It is said that the key to success in college is learning to manage your time efficiently. So if you interpret that as skipping your 9:30 Econ lecture to watch a marathon of Keeping Up with the Kardashians, then so be it. Get the notes from a friend and spend the morning in bed mentally assuring yourself that you’ll get your life together eventually. Now that’s time management. Are you getting the most out of your education and respecting the thousands of dollars your parents are paying in tuition? Uhh, maybe not so much. But every college student should know how to discreetly and skillfully bullshit his or her way through life once in a while. It’s a necessary evil.