What ‘Cuse Would Be Like If It Were A Southern School

Pearls, bitches, pearls

Design by Jena Salvatore

Design by Jena Salvatore

You’d be lying if you said weather and location weren’t factors in your college decision process. Other than the unbearable first few weeks of school full of sweaty nights and approximately seven fans, we all knew what we were getting ourselves into when it came to committing to Syracuse. But now that the weather permits us to enjoy a nice stroll through campus, we remember that Syracuse is more than just the snowiest city in America. The ground reappears; people are nice to each other; schoolwork doesn’t seem so overpowering; there are dogs everywhere; and we are presented with an overwhelming amount of new places to drink. There’s no denying the painful allergies magic in the air during springtime in Syracuse, and since we are only blessed a few short weeks every semester, we’ve all wondered what school would be like if it was not a deathly tundra for the majority of the year.

Here’s what your favorite Cuse activities would be like (DRUMROLL) below the Mason-Dixon Line.

Tailgating

For starters, we’d probably be able to name at least one football player on the team. By default, being a school in the South means you have to give a shit about your football team and its ranking. That means more than just tailgating on game days, and actually going to the game. But don’t worry, that wouldn’t negatively affect our tailgates. In fact, it’ll make them better. After extensive research (a.k.a. stalking social media pages of friends who go to southern schools) it seems like it’s almost against the law not to tailgate. I’m not saying Castle isn’t fun, but drunkenly trying to figure out where to go after DPS inevitably shuts Castle down isn’t fun. With the kind of open container laws the South has, and the importance of football as a way of life, tailgating and football games would be as fun as Mayfest used to be, before we were named the #1 party school.

Greek Life 

Only 20 percent of the student body participates in Greek Life at Syracuse right now, but at Southern Cuse, that number would double or even triple—cause that’s what you do in the South. Duh. IFC and Panhel would cease their “death to parties” vibe and instead become their own fraternity and sorority with the “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” mentality. The Greek population would still pride itself on being inclusive and “fostering unity” etc., but Sorority and Fraternity rivalries would be as prevalent as ever with four times as many members, all with the same Syracuse mentality that they’re the best.

Syracuse’s Version of Southern Charm

Something about warmer climates seems to bring out a certain hint of southern charm. Carrying on the essence that is Syracuse, the buildings would still look like they were taken out of a Harry Potter movie, but would be painted vibrant colors like magenta or lilac instead of their current sad brick reds. You wouldn’t have to risk your life just to get to the other side of the street because people would probably drive at normal non- aggressive speeds. As for interacting with others, the appearance of the sun would magically turn fake smiles into real smiles. Girls who sit at tables in Bird while texting on their phones with their shit spread all over would only cover half of the table and look only somewhat uninviting. People would wait to hold doors for one another even if they’re seven steps behind them (as opposed to the usual 2 steps). But they’d still have to do that fake running thing when they pump their arms but maintain the same pace. As for the chivalrous man in the South, he’d graciously provide you with a list of cab numbers taped to your face when you awake the next morning alone in his bed. Stay classy, Syracuse.

Drinks of Choice

Instead of Redbull Vodka, rum and Coke would be Syracuse’s go-to alcoholic drink because #basic. Everyone sits in class sipping on their sweetened iced tea instead of hot coffee, black like Syracuse’s soul.

Dress Code

Maintaining the same ideals of Northeast Syracuse, everybody still dresses the same at Southern Syracuse. But pastel shorts replace jogger sweats, and sundresses are the new leggings. If you’re dressed to look like you’re working out, it’s probably because you actually are going to work out. Instead of Stan Smith’s, Sperry’s are the most necessary fashion staple and if girls didn’t have a string of pearls on hand at all times they would be publicly shamed.

Music

Instead of your night peaking during an EDM remix of a 90’s one-hit-wonder whilst you find yourself soaked in beer, among other questionable substances, students would go crazy for Zac Brown Band, Brad Paisley, Sam Hunt, etc. Rock on Southern Cuse.

You may notice hints of these symptoms reaching the Syracuse campus during the next few short weeks of warm weather, but don’t forget the true vibes of this place. It will return to its cold, unfriendly glory.

Hannah Fruchtman
About Hannah Fruchtman (30 Articles)
Hannah Fruchtman is a Communication and Rhetorical Studies major in VPA. Her favorite things to do are dance on elevated surfaces and eat really good pizza, but not at the same time. Hannah is patiently waiting for her awkward stage to end, but in the meanwhile she enjoys writing, attempting to look trendy, and being sarcastic. She wants to apologize in advance to anybody who found her humor offensive, because it is.
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