fuck marry kill

We all know the game “fuck, marry, kill” and it might just be the best way to get to know someone. Us Jerks are all about pushing the boundaries and you know we aren’t afraid to speak about the nitty gritty aspects of life. So without further a do, let’s play!

Shameless

Kevin Ball, Lip Gallagher, Jimmy Lishman

Fuck: Lip because his bad boy persona and intelligence makes him all the more attractive.

Marry: Kev, for multiple reasons; he’s totally good with kids, owns a bar (so free booze), and is a total babe.

Kill: Jimmy, because he’s a lying P.O.S., enough said.

The Office

Jim Halpert, Toby Flenderson, Michael Scott

Fuck: Michael because he’s guaranteed to leave us satisfied and smiling (that’s what she said).

Marry: Jim, his comedic personality and kind heartedness will make us his Pam Beesly.

Kill: Toby, because shut up Toby!

Orange is the New Black

Piper Chapman, Nicky Nichols, Red

Fuck: Nicky because she definitely knows what she’s doing in the sheets and her directness makes her even sexier, she’ll tell you what she wants.

Marry: Red because she would always have good ass meals on the table and would keep all your inner darkest secrets.

Kill: Piper, because she’s just a whiney bitch.

Family Guy

Peter Griffin, Glenn Quagmire, Brian Griffin

Fuck: Quagmire because GIGGITY.

Marry: Brian because he’s an intellectual and funny, which distracts from the fact that he’s a dog.

Kill: Peter… no reason needed.


It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia

Dennis Reynolds, Charlie Kelly, Mac

Fuck: Mac because he’s kind of the douchebag hookup type.

Marry: Dennis because he might be the most functioning of the gang.

Kill: Charlie because he eats cat food and huffs glue.

Parks & Rec

Andy Dwyer, Ron Swanson, Chris Traeger

Fuck: Chris because he’s basically a ken doll.

Marry: Swanson because you could get away with eating breakfast for dinner every night.

Kill: Andy because he just gets in the way of everything.

Full House

Danny Tanner, Joey Gladstone, Jesse Katsopolis

Fuck: Uncle Jesse because for one he’s smoking hot, and he would seduce you with his guitar and angel voice, too.

Marry: Danny because he has a decent job and loves to clean, trophy wife it up!

Kill: Joey because we could live without all the voice impressions.

How I Met Your Mother

Barney Stinson, Ted Mosby, Marshall Eriksen

Fuck: Ted because he’s lowkey and unsuspecting, and there’s something attractive about that.

Marry: Marshall because he’s goofy and would make you laugh.

Kill: Barney because he’s too full of himself, ain’t nobody got time for him and his STDs.

Friends

Chandler Bing, Joey Tribbiani, Ross Geller

Fuck: Joey because he’s do-able.

Marry: Chandler because he’s one of the only guys who seems to be able to handle a long term relationship.

Kill: Ross because he’s just really annoying.

Kassidy Cooper is a junior television, radio, and film major who talks too fast and doesn’t really have a filter. When she’s not writing for Jerk you most likely can find her binge watching TV shows, fleeking her makeup, or waitressing at Coleman’s.

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