It’s that time of year again. Classes are over, exams are beginning, the crippling fear of the future is setting in and Birks are back in season. Finally, the end of the semester is upon us. As you pack away your winter clothes and try to block out that Syracuse will once again turn into the tundra in a few short months, you feel like you’re forgetting something… No it’s not your bowl or your tribal tapestry—your phone buzzes. “Hey what r u up to later?” Your Hookup. Ugh.
Regular sex always seemed so convenient—convenient enough that you forgot to end it. I mean, yeah it was great while it lasted, but with summer and the future on the horizon, isn’t it obvious that this is over? Unfortunately, your hookup doesn’t seem to think so. For them summer is a short break that they’ll probably spend bored in their hometown waiting for you to text them back.
You’re most likely a millennial and have issues with actually communicating your feelings to another person in a mature fashion, so here are some options for how to dodge this hookup hold-up.
1. Casper the Ghost
Turn yourself into a ghost. You are no longer existing. Their booty calls have no effect on you because you are not even a person. This is a classic end to a hookup and is almost always met with eventual success. It also could leave the door open for you to re-enter once you’re back on campus, considering they have no proof you actually ended things. The important thing with ghosting is to stay committed and clueless. Even if you see them in person, channel your inner Casper and find a different Wendy to bounce with.
2. You ARE the Father
I’m all for #equality but this is mostly for our straight ladies out there. Faking a pregnancy is a sure fire way to make sure a man is never attracted to you again. This is also a fun option because it allows a ton of creativity. The choices are endless with how you let him know about your faux-bun in the oven. It’s like a prom-posal, but better because you aren’t allowed to bury it in Facebook memories. The potential problem is you might have an actual wannabe-Daddy on your hands. That’s not the kind of Daddy anyone wants at this point in life so curb that itch real hard and go back to option one if this is the case.
3. Trick Transfer
This is in similar vain to option one, simply because you will literally have to disappear. We’re lucky enough to be on the giant campus of Syracuse University so faking a transfer could actually work. However, there are some considerations to be had: what’s their major? Friend group? Favorite bar? If any of these match up to your own favs you’re not going to have an easy time pretending that you are “just visiting for the weekend.” Transferring is pretty tricky as it is but faking a transfer is some next level shit. Good luck, comrade.
4. Sugar Daddy/Mommy
This one is a fabulous option for many reasons. Find a Sugar Daddy/Mommy to save you from your crippling school loans and your less than ideal situation. This is a great way to curb your hookup, because they really can’t compete with someone giving you an allowance and sex. This is my personal favorite out of all the options, because not only does it get you out of your current problem, it promises a great future.
Eskimo homies—the classic hookup with their best friend. This is an incredible turn off, simply because they assume they have full ownership over you and then realize betrayal is right next to them. Unfortunately, like most things in life, this comes without the guarantee of actually turning them off. There is the possibility that a bright light goes off in their head labeled “Threesome!!!!” that will never be turned off and you may be in deeper (literally and figuratively) more than you ever were.
6. Move to Africa and join the Peace Corps
This is some Mean Girls level shit without the pink, so channel your inner Cady. The best part about this option is that even though you are ending a hookup you’re still an amazing human being, and the only thing anyone will be able to say about you is how fantastic you are! This is honestly one of the top options because you remain an angelic person while still leaving the hookup behind on American soil. A win-win for both you and your noble cause.