Just when you thought you might have to face the outside world and interact with another human to get something you need, another pair of Millennials came along with another app that allows your fat ass to order shit directly to your front door. GoPuff is the latest company to take college campuses by storm, and the newest business to join the abundance of services we have here at Syracuse to fulfill tasks we’re too lazy busy to do on our own. From Good Uncle delivering “home cooked” meals, to Lazybones doing our laundry and sending it back the very next day, clean and folded perfectly to a T (ba-dum-cha), paying others to do shit for us is no foreign concept to Syracuse students.
GoPuff is the app version of a drugstore, offering all the products that you initially need to go to a drugstore for, as well as all of the unnecessary products you didn’t need to leave with but felt like you needed them in your life. Hosting a party when you realize there aren’t any balls for beer pong? You had one job pledge Jeff. GoPuff has you covered. Can’t remember if you used a condom last night? You had one job, Chad. GoPuff has you covered (the fact that PlanB is found under the “Essentials” column is kind of ironic in itself—just use a condom please). GoPuff acknowledges that not all college students are degenerate, horny stoners, and the app also offers cleaning and office supplies for when we decide to become real people until the weekend comes back around again.
Last but not least, with a name like GoPuff marketing to college students, I’d call it false advertising if there wasn’t anything offered strictly related to smoking. Among the various categories of “I Scream,” “Munchies,” and “Party,” are also “High Rollers,” “Vaporizers,” and “Puff Stuff,” making it almost as much of a smoke shop as it is a drugstore. The paramount feature of it all is the timeliness. GoPuff will have your munchies delivered before you’ve even had time to finish packing the bowl. This could quite possibly be the best, and the worst, thing to happen to college campuses.