By Jake Klau
I rolled down the window and inhaled a huge breath of autumn air—yum, October. As I basked in the unseasonably warm Syracuse day, I turned the radio on and heard possibly the most terrible sound in the world: “Frosty the Snowman.”
I’d barely begun to think about my Halloween costume, and yet the sound of jingle bells instantly evoked the pressure of finals, my six-hour journey home, my weird Uncle Ed, and a house full of screaming cousins ripping through red and green wrapping paper to get to the next generation of Easy Bakes and Megatrons. It’s too soon! Holiday hype ruins everything about the holidays.
No surprise that the illustrious Abercrombie & Fitch—particularly excited to get 12-year-olds in scant clothing—sent out an e-mail on Oct. 24, two months before the actual holiday, that read: “We’re feeling naughty and sneaking Christmas in early!” Praise Jesus that I can slink into the over-perfumed brothel to purchase my moose-embroidered tank tops and too-short jean skirts before the holiday rush even starts.
I take out my anger on the billions of Christmas trees and nativity scenes scattered around every mall in America, but other holidays are quickly gaining in this race for total holiday domination. Thanks to open-mindedness, we can now complain about Hanukkah, too. In order to compete with the Christmas mania, stores started selling dreidel-themed party decorations in November.
That nerd/sex god Seth Cohen encouraged us to associate Kwanzaa with the Judeo-Christian holidays, but Kwanzaa doesn’t actually compare. Dr. Maulana Karenga founded the holiday in 1966 as a part of the Civil Rights push. Nice try, Seth.
The worst part of holiday hype is the total letdown on the actual holiday. For three months, every commercial, radio station, and party revolves around the winter holidays; then it’s all over in a flash. And, just like that, we take down our decorations and return to the mundane, depressing reality that is life.
Happy holidays, Jerks!
Illustration by Jackie Evangelisti
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