It’s that time of year, everyone. Our (relatively mediocre) football season is in full swing, and the temperature is falling (as well as your grades), so you know what that means—it’s time for parents’ weekend! Time to fool your loving family into thinking you aren’t transforming into the piece of shit delinquent you have become.

1. Throw out your garbage

People, this should be a given. However, we’ve seen some dorms on par with a frat basement post-weekend. So, toss out the five half-empty White Claws littering your dresser and the old Chipotle bowls stacked to the sky. Your parents don’t want to be reminded they’re spending $70,000 a year for you to live in a physical manifestation of meningitis. Too soon?  

2. Clean/organize your room

While barely straightening out your comforter may not fit your mom’s definition of “making your bed,” it’s 100% better than her seeing your red-wine stained sheets. Trust us, no Tide-to-go pen is gonna fix it now. Give your parents some peace of mind and trick them into thinking you *definitely* wash your sheets every week.

3. Change your “college” letterboard

Yep, we’re talking about those ~quirky and original~ sayings you see on every freshmen letterboard. The rents aren’t gonna be impressed by the “send nudes” and “blackout or back out” letters that decorate your board. This weekend isn’t about convincing that one guy you wanna fuck that you’re like, so totally cool, so take them down or cover them up; spare your fam a heart attack.

4. Wipe down your graffitied whiteboard

THE. SHIT. WE. HAVE. SEEN. For the love of all things holy, please check your whiteboard before the parents pull up. Shield their eyes from the hyper-realistic dick drawings, weird sex jokes, and sketchy party addresses. Preserve the innocent view they have of you for just a bit longer.

5. Go through your nasty fridge

We aren’t just talking about alcohol. We’re talking about the old food, expired milk, and that weird hardened goop in the corner that’s been making your fridge smell like the DJ’s bathroom for weeks…it’s definitely 4Loko. Wipe it down and throw the old stuff out. Maybe even go the extra mile and buy something with fruit in it, and no, we don’t mean a vodka cran.

6. Hide basically anything else that would shock your parents.

Overall, hide the shit that would make your parents concerned. Hide the condoms, weed, alcohol, basically anything that would shatter the “innocent” image you have been trying so hard to preserve in your parents’ mind.

Inevitably, something’s gonna go wrong. An uncovered hickey when you go to hug your dad, an awkward run-in with a past one night stand on the way to the Dome, or your mom finding handcuffs in your underwear drawer while cleaning up your clothes.

However, let’s try our best and keep up that “good kid” image for a little bit longer, for the fam’s sake. Remember, they probably pay your tuition.

Ainsley Holman
ainsleyholmanjerk@gmail.com
Ainsley Holman is a freshman Magazine major from Dallas, Texas, who, despite her trouble with basic English skills, likes to think she is good at writing. When she’s not eating squeezable applesauce with the determination of a second grader, you can find Ainsley napping or rewatching Brooklyn Nine-Nine for the tenth time.

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