How to Master the Turkey Dump

Toss 'em to the side like leftovers.

turkey dump

When the holidays roll around, it’s significantly trickier to find the right way to let your significant other know that things just aren’t working out. You may be ending things with a hometown lover because you “grew apart” at college, or breaking up with a school dude you thought was “the one,” but turned out to be just another one. Either way, Thanksgiving is without a doubt best time to break it off. We call this “The Turkey Dump.” You can figure it out why. While it may sound like a damper on such a cheery and food-filled holiday, we at Jerk have found the most creative and entertaining ways to make sure your break up is as perfect as pumpkin pie. 

The Pre-break Dash 

It’s been a long time coming, but you finally have the perfect out of your floorcest hookup. They’ve been overly clingy and have already created a picture album on their phone of the two of you to show the family at the dinner table. You can’t handle seeing them cry (aka you might not be able to stop your laughter) so this method is as easy as one, two, run. Knock on their door with your bags in tow. Go in for a deep hug and whisper in their ear, “it’s over.” Before they have the chance to question it, shut the door and hop on a plane, get in a train or find your escape car.   

The Wish Bone Method 

An often-forgotten part of Thanksgiving is ripping the bones out of your carved birdie. Invite your soon-to-be ex over specifically for the ceremonial breaking of the wishbone. They’ll probably know something’s funky because that’s just a weird thing for you to do. Break that bone and make a fucking wish that the breakup goes well. Who knows? Maybe you’ll still be able to sleep with this person at once or twice a year without it being awkward. 

The Thanksgiving Sandwich 

A classic tradition known by many lazy celebrators is the creation of the ultimate day-old Thanksgiving sandwich. Here’s how it works: start off by setting up a sandwich station for you and your SO. With the piece of bread as your base, begin to tell them about the wonderful times you had together. Then starts the fun. With each layer you add to the sandwich, a reason for breaking up follows. Squish together turkey some mashed potatoes, throw in some cranberry sauce and you’ve got yourself a break-up masterpiece. Make sure to conclude with another piece of bread and remind them that they’re still such a great person – and have a free sandwich to eat. They should be thanking you.  

The Departure Deserts  

You know you gorged on too many of your aunt’s deserts when you’ve outgrown all pants except sweats in your one week at home. So begins the utter tragedy of throwing out the treats… but hold up. If you’re looking for an out with your current ‘Cuse hook up, take a second to wrap up those cookies, but not for yourself. What’s a better way to say “buh-bye” than with something sweet? Create an avant-garde gift basket and try your best not to eat it before arriving back at school. Leave it at the doorstep of your soon-to-be ex and make sure to include a card. We recommend one of those first-grade-style handprint turkey cards. Gotta stay festive, right? 

Emmy Gnat
About Emmy Gnat (14 Articles)
Emmy Gnat is a freshman in Newhouse and an undecided major - because she really cannot make any decisions. She has an odd obsession with her dog Sophie, who probably has a cooler life story than any of you, feel free to inquire. Emmy faces the daily struggle of being obsessed with ice cream but also lactose intolerant - the battle is never ending.

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