God help us. First IHOP tried to play us with that IHOB name switch (International House of BULLSHIT amirite ladies??), and now this fast-food rebranding storm has taken something even more sacred: Dunkin Donuts. We hate to be the bearers of bad news but (brace yourselves) Dunkin Donuts is apparently dropping the “Donuts” out of its name.
You heard that right. They’re not dropping the “Dunkin.” It’s the “Donut” that will be biting the dust. The big D. The very product that gave the company its rise to fame, its big break, its moment in the spotlight. The thing that the establishment owes all of its popularity and success to… suddenly gone, vanished, done away with.
We think it’s time for a rant.
According to CNBC, the name switch occurred when Dunkin Donuts realized that 60 percent of their sales were coming from drinks. But why change the name? It’s not like everybody suddenly forgot that Dunkin Donuts doesn’t only sell donuts! Newsflash DD: WE KNOW WHAT YOU SELL. But will the donuts taste the same once they’re dropped from the name? Will they look as enticing, smell as scrumptious, feel as dough-y and delicious? We demand to speak to the manager.
On top of that, we can’t help but wonder what we’re supposed to say when we crave a good old-fashioned Dunkin Donut. Will we be able to make the order without feeling some sense of guilt…some sick ache of responsibility? If only we had put down our Coolattas for a moment and thought about the things that really mattered. If only we had been grateful for what we had while we still had it. If only, if only…
Additionally, the name just doesn’t make any sense. “We’re going to Dunkins,” could mean virtually anything! Are we going to our friend Duncan’s house? Are we going to dunk on some homies at the basketball court? Hey Dunkin Fucking Donuts—just because you sell half cooked sandwiches, burnt hash browns, and stupid blended coffees, doesn’t give you the right to drop the word donut out of your name. Make no mistake—we bought your drinks—but the only reason our wallets loved your fall-inspired beverages so much, was because we were too broke for Starbucks. Not because we wanted to steal the spotlight from our favorite frosted pastries!
Those fluffy calorie-filled bundles of joy have been a part of your company since the beginning, and how have you rewarded their loyalty? With disdain and disrespect. And although we know there are people who say “America runs on Dunkin,” AMERICA DOESN’T RUN ON AN ALL YOU CAN DRINK DUNKIN CAFÉ! We come to dunkin donuts… get ready for this… for the DONUTS. And the only other place we can find them is at Krispy Kreme (but shoutout Krispy Kreme for staying loyal to its roots, and not changing its damn name to “Krispy” or some shit).
In conclusion, Dunkin (sigh) has really played with the nation’s heartstrings. While it would be nice to believe that this is just another IHOB hoax, it seems that this drastic change may just be here to stay, which means it’s time to stop whining and get on board. But remember to show your donuts a lil extra love this week, because at the end of the day, we donut know where we’d be without them.