Design by Jena Salvatore
Design by Jena Salvatore

As we flip our calendars into March, it becomes even more difficult to ignore that yet another month has passed us by, while we haven’t shed a damn pound, adding another failed New Year’s resolution to the book. But now we’re in the same month as spring break, and judgment day is quickly approaching. As much as we like to tell ourselves that the calories don’t count if we don’t remember them, every mirror and reflective surface would most certainly beg to differ. With spring break creeping up on us like a kid at the bar who bought you a drink last Friday night and still expects you to reciprocate a week later, we enter into crunch time, and that most certainly does not refer to the exercise.

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The student travel organization that has left your bank account more barren than your love life through which you signed up for spring break keeps releasing promo videos to get you hype for the upcoming week of debauchery, but watching the people jump around in slow motion on the beach just gives you extreme anxiety. How does everything on their body stay intact? You want to ask the trip organizers if there’s a weight limit to go on spring break, but you’re concerned that you exceed that limit because it’s physically impossible to naturally look like the people featured in those photoshopped advertisements. So you book it to the gym to spend the next three hours on the treadmill, then stare at yourself in the mirror for another hour to analyze your body and figure out how you’re going to drop 50 pounds in a week.

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While cutting all food out of your diet and spending more time at the gym than Trump spends on Twitter sounds totally appealing and all, there are alternatives to looking skinny on spring break. Mainly, avoid standing next to those who are drastically skinnier than you at all times, especially when being photographed. If you must go through with a photograph, make sure you have your skinny app upgraded and ready to go. But it’s an art, so proceed with caution. *Curves wall trying to create a skinny arm.* People who you should surround yourself with are those who are too drunk to realize you have the thigh gap of a mermaid.

If you watch those promo videos close enough, you can actually see kids in the background counting calories by the buffet. But what they don’t know is that it’s actually impossible to count calories in food when it’s not legitimate food. So really, the jokes on them. Out of all things to count while on spring break, calories are not one of them. How many people you’ve hooked up with that day, however, probably is. If you’re sober enough to count calories while you’re on spring break, then you’re too sober for spring break. If you’re concerned about looking a little bloated in your bathing suit, then drink the water and you’ll feel skinnier within the next 24-36 hours.

Cover-ups were invented for a reason, and they’re a great investment when it comes to needing to be in a bathing suit but also satisfying your basic needs to eat good, enjoyable food. And that’s not including kale.

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So the next time you want to tell yourself no to that second tub of ice cream in the name of spring break, just remember that it probably won’t matter in the grand scheme of things. Dramatic before and after pictures are taken over a long period of time, or photoshopped. Nobody actually loses that much weight that easily. Instead of worrying about your beach bod’s, remember that it’s good times with your friends that really count.

Hannah Fruchtman
hannahfruchtmanjerk@gmail.com
Hannah Fruchtman is a Communication and Rhetorical Studies major in VPA. Her favorite things to do are dance on elevated surfaces and eat really good pizza, but not at the same time. Hannah is patiently waiting for her awkward stage to end, but in the meanwhile she enjoys writing, attempting to look trendy, and being sarcastic. She wants to apologize in advance to anybody who found her humor offensive, because it is.

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