You open your eyes through crusted mascara and aggressive sunlight to see a U2 poster, a half drunken bottle of Barton’s and an unsettling amount of condom wrappers polluting the floor. It takes one inhale for you to smell the familiar overwhelming scent of Axe and that’s when you realize—this isn’t your room. Fuck.
Step 1: Remain calm.
I know it’s easy to forget but there is a person slumbering next to you and sudden movements will wake the beast. Hopefully you have yourself a snorer, this way monitoring is easy. The same goes with the aggressively drunk/blackout types, they don’t usually rise before noon.
WHAT IF: You have a light sleeper.
It is time to access your inner James Bond and make only slight, soft moves. If you do get caught before you’re ready to complete the following steps having to go to the bathroom is a great excuse. But if you don’t want to make any form of communication just keep your eyes closed. They don’t know how you sleep (hopefully)!
Step 2: Locate your items
This is one of the most important steps to a morning after routine and also the most difficult. Not only does one have to locate one’s clothing, but you also have to remember what you wore the previous night. Bra, socks, underwear? All are optional and you don’t want to spend any extra time looking for something that may not have came with you in the first place. Envision your bomb outfit and then begin the search party. But DON’T MOVE. You are still sleeping beauty, peacefully slumbering as far as your hookup is concerned. Look with your eyes and come up with the fastest route to collect said items.
WHAT IF: You can’t find one of your garments.
You really have to rank the value of said item and decide how important it is to you. Sock? Leave it. Bra? If it’s Victoria Secret you’d better find that shit, but Target brand you could probably do without. Shoes? This is more of a weather-based debate but to conserve maximum dignity I would try and find these.
Step 3: What time/day/year is it?
Time of day is crucial. If it’s still dark you’re doing great things, the ultimate walk of shame bullet has been DODGED. But who are we kidding, this happens once in a lifetime and it’s usually because you need to vom. Most likely it’s light out, but ask yourself, how light? Channel your inner National Geographic knowledge and try to position the sun to discover the time. Or just frantically look for a clock/phone/sundial- whichever pops up first. If it’s before 9 a.m. you are still in the golden hour of not being seen by most of campus/adults and you have the world on your side.
WHAT IF: It’s way past 9 a.m.
This is more mental preparation than anything. You have to tell yourself that no matter how many looks you get and people secretly snapchatting you, you remain a bad bitch. You will see many people, but just know it’s because you got laid and they didn’t and everyone is jealous of your current state of tragic. OWN IT.
Step 4: The Escape
You’ve sleuthed into your clothing, discovered the year and time, and you’re ready to make your exit. If your sleeping soul mate has awoken by this point, the best excuse is to reuse the bathroom line. No one wants to stop someone from going to the bathroom, like ever. But say you got yourself a particularly observant one that notices you packing up everything you brought on your person and doesn’t believe the bathroom line, or maybe you’re the “nice” type (we get it, you’re a great person). This is when you suddenly convert yourself into Virgin Mary. Use lines such as “Oh my goodness this is so unlike me! I’ve really gotta go to the shelter soon” or “Wow I have so much work to catch up on, I’d love to stay but who knows what is happening with my stocks!” It’s important to place emphasis that on the fact that you HAVE to leave right then. Any room for procrastination and you’re fucked.
WHAT IF: They ask for your number.
There is a plethora of lies to get out of this one so if you really don’t want to just go with the classic “I only have a landline” or “My husband would hate that.” Or, do what I do and give it to them anyway because you adore attention.
Step 5: The Walk Home
Enjoy this. Savor your surroundings and picture different ways you can and will one day take over the world. You are powerful, you are strong and you are laid. Congratulations, comrade.