We live in the basic time of unicorns and giant swans taking over our pools. Wherever this trend came from, it’s a bit overdone. That’s why this summer; it’s time to get weird. Real fucking weird. Spice up your summer with some bizarre floaties to show up all of your friends riding pink flamingos and rainbows all through your Instagram feed. Without further a do, here are five floaty must haves for this summer:  

Port-a-Potty Pool Party  

photo from Oddee

This float is pretty self-explanatory – and fucking awesome. If you drink too much this summer and you can’t make it to the bathroom, now you can have your own portable toilet floaty – does it get any better than that? Bonus: when your frenemy invites themselves to your pool on the hottest day of the summer, give them this to float around in, that piece of shit.  

Slidin into the DMs Pool 

photo from Thrice

Nothing screams family-fun poolside BBQ like your eight-year-old cousin riding a giant eggplant around the pool. Live out your wildest emoji sexting dreams with this massive floaty. It’s perfect for your creepy uncle or steamy nights in the hot tub – the versatility is endless.  

For the Crazy Cat Lady 

photo from YouTube

For those of you who love your pet an insanely ridiculous amount, try out this floaty. Force them to be with you every waking second of the day, even when you’re in the pool. If you’re really into it, this may even work in the bath… but maybe that’s a step too far. I will definitely be trying this with Spiffy, my adorable orange boy, this summer. Plot twist: I am the crazy cat lady. 

The Shit 

photo from Oddity Mall

If you loved the giant toilet float, then this giant shit is probably right up your alley. Float around on everyone’s favorite emoji, the smiley poo, all summer long. Guaranteed to be a fan favorite, just test it out by telling your mom you put a giant shit in the pool. Let’s see how that goes.  

A Floating Rock 

photo from The Green Head

If anyone ever told you that rocks couldn’t float…they lied. Here is evidence. If you are really struggling to find friends to hang with this summer, this rock will never let you float alone. Who said pet rocks were just for kids? 

Morgan Schare
morganschare@jerk.com
Hi everyone! My name is Morgan Schare and I am a sophomore public relations major with a minor in writing. I'm an expert in binge-watching shows on Netflix, avoiding physical activity and taking pictures of my cats. When I am not doing any of these things, you can find me either in bed, in Starbucks or stress-calling my parents in food.com. Follow me on Instagram @morganschare to keep up with my life!

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