Image design by Sara Easterling. Image via BitRebels.com

By Emma McAnaw

You like her posts on Facebook. You comment on every one of her profile pictures, gushing how beautiful you think she is. Then you run into that person on the street, and you might as well have run into your crusty old professor. It’s extremely awkward, and a rude awakening that you two are complete strangers. Thanks to our pathetic addiction to social media, it’s become more and more common to make “friends.” You drunkenly meet a party for two minutes, find each other on Facebook, and suddenly you can depend on at least one more like for every status.

This person basically becomes your new obsession. You stalk all of their formal pictures, you like all of their status updates, and you may occasionally retweet them. Yet once you run into them in Bird (aka home of awkward run-ins), you do nothing but make awkward eye contact. It’s worse than running into a Tinder match, because at least with those you can pretend you don’t remember them. With these so-called “friends,” it’s best to simply say the quickest hello possible. Don’t ask them how their weekend was—you already know.

Facebook stalking has also led us to believe that we know a person much better than we actually do. How many times have you stalked your ex’s new girlfriend or boyfriend? Probably just a few thousand. When you’re able to spot this person several miles away on the quad, you should probably take this as a hint to stop. Scrolling through his or her list of “likes” over and over again will not help you get to know that person, or more importantly get over your ex. Besides, that person will be incredibly creeped out if they learned that you somehow know they played the jazz flute in seventh grade. You’re trying to convince your ex that you aren’t a total psycho, remember?

The same goes for getting to know a new hookup. You two talk everyday, either through texting or Facebook chat. Things may seem like they’re going really well when you ‘re sharing your entire life story via chat, but when you two see each other in person it’s back to being strangers. Who wants to bring up that story about the time you had to bury your cat Mr. Snuffles when you’re about to have sex? Unless you share these stories in person, they basically don’t count.

What are your thoughts on Facebook “friends?” Share them in the comments below, or tweet us @jerkmagazine.

The Editors
jerkmagdigital@gmail.com

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